Blue Royalty’s Present to the Bride and Groom — 12/14/39
written by @benitz786
Aww, look at the bride and groom saying “I do” - how adorable. Can Blue Royalty just start by saying, thank you for the invite Mr. and Mrs. Williams? Well, now that we’re here and we have the pleasantries out of the way, is it a little late to say that we object? Well… technically we don’t need to “object” exactly, but just… add on to the nuptials. After all, Jezebel Williams, you have your something old, blue, and borrowed so let us bless this wedding with something new.
By something new, of course, we mean new to all of the wedding guests. Why don’t we start with the Bride and Groom’s own kids? How disappointing is it when the groom’s own daughter decides to skip the wedding? Though, we guess it’s a damn good thing she’s adopted because apparently, all the other Williams kids decided to show up, including soon-to-be Williams, Laurel Parker. Oh wait… she’s not going to be a Williams, or even a Parker for much longer. Rather, our sources found that Laurel recently went to the County Clerk’s Office to change her last name to “Lucas”. We here at Blue Royalty are believers in giving back to our community, so Laurel, our gift to you is expediting this process so starting today, you are Laurel Lucas. Congrats! Talk about an awkward family dinner later…
Since we’re already talking about Jezebel’s family, it would be hard to ignore Veronica Charlotte Parker, Jezebel’s darling niece… especially when that family tree is soon to be growing. And no, we don’t mean the fact that your mom, Valerie Wood is pregnant, or that your cousin, Jessica DeLoughrey, is pregnant, or even that Jezebel Williams, the bride herself, is pregnant. Apparently, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Valerie and Daniel, since your own little angel is also knocked up. Any bets on the baby daddy? Clearly, there’s more than one contender: Elio Esposito, Mateo Perez, and Enrique Montoya.
Apparently, there’s a lot of sex going around at this wedding, and we don’t just mean the type to knock someone up… though maybe there will be a few more people at this wedding that’ll give birth in 9 months. Why don’t we start with Finley Klein sleeping with Nora McAllister - and yes, we mean Cerulean High teacher, Nora McAllister. Apparently, having sex with someone twice your age is what happens when you have “mommy” and “daddy” issues, isn’t that right, Fin? Don’t worry, from what we remember, Nora’s in the same boat which is probably why she fcked you too. Nora, sweetie, I hope you are ready to look for a new job - schools don’t usually like it when you sleep with the students and we’ve graciously made it public knowledge for you. Maybe it’s a good thing that not all the McAllister’s can get knocked up, isn’t that right Kaya? Infertility can be amazing when you think about all the terrible parents there are about to be in the room with you. Oh… were you keeping that to yourself? Too bad. Talking about sex, it seems like there’s someone even feistier than you, Fin, and it’s not exactly someone anyone would expect. Isn’t that right, Eduard Flynn? Is that sex tape with Paige Pierce still just sitting in your house? Sweetie, what happens in a school classroom doesn’t exactly stay in a school classroom - especially when you two aren’t exactly quiet. Talking about having sex in public places, it seems like Eddie’s best friend, Amelia, seems to be on a similar path - after all, having sex with JP during the wedding doesn’t seem very innocent of that Taylor-DeLoughrey. Well, imagine our surprise when blue royalty found out that Amelia Grace turned even sex into the most innocent thing it can be - after all, what would you call Amelia asking JP to have sex with her so she could learn… well… everything. Our resident good girl turned sex into a schedule - and we have the pictures to prove it. Thank you Phoebe for taking those photos for us - we truly couldn’t have figured this out without your help.
Though, we can’t exactly blame Amelia after her mother seemingly left her father… though Phoebe was a little too daft to pick up on that huh? Don’t worry, that’s why we’re right here to tell you all. Rumor has it that Riker Taylor-DeLoughrey requested for divorce papers to be drafted up by his lawyer. Though clearly, that’s not the only family issue in the room since Alexander Beaumont is visiting his darling father in a mental institution and even helped him escape. Oh… sorry Madelaine, did you not know your son had figured out who his father was, and with the help of Phoebe, gotten him out? Maybe if Amelia was still friends with him, she would have talked him out of that… but oops, she’s a little too busy fcking JP in every which way.
Ahh, isn’t it interesting how a wedding filled with so much love has guests that are filled with so much hate? Though, can we blame Enrique Montoya - after all - how would you react if you found out that the Montoya triplets didn’t exist because you, yourself, were actually adopted? Hurts doesn’t it, Enrique? We’d say go turn to Lenora or Veronica Charlotte - but clearly, no one wants you. Not your own family who gave you away, not your brothers since… well… they’re not your brothers, and clearly not anyone in your love life since that’s always gone to sht. Though don’t worry, Enrique, you’re not the only person whose life is absolute sht. Just ask the person who fcked your ex, Lenora, Ezekiel Griffin. I mean, he is, after all, living out of a hotel and sleeping with girls for money. Tell us, Kaya, are you and your father missing any cash? I’d go take a look at your valuables. But hey, if you’re looking for a roomy, don’t forget that Fin also has daddy problems Zek. I see bestie material right here.
It seems like a lot of people in the room have mommy and or daddy problems, so don’t fret you two. Specifically, the Weston-Lucier’s clearly have daddies problems - though what can we expect when your former dad was a druggie, and your biological dad is also such a sht show. Maybe a few more of us should ask where Amanda really was for the past few months… we here at blue royalty truly realize that she takes after Maverick Weston, but then again, you’re not very innocent in the first place are you Amanda? What about Clara? Well, wouldn’t you be surprised that daddy’s little angel is anorexic? Though… have you seen her? It’s not hard to guess. Don’t worry Clara, you can go reach out to Hera Zhou and become anorexic buddies since she’s in the same boat as you. The only difference, Hera got there by a bit more liposuction than you.
Though we may be attending the wedding, we here at blue royalty do hope that those not in attendance didn’t forget about us. Though, not getting an invite doesn’t exactly put you in our good graces - just look at Fin who snuck in. Even he knows where people of class should be during a day like this. To that, all we can say is do better. In any case, Karen darling, don’t kill another goldfish at the carnival okay? After all - since poisoning a class pet seems to be your forte… we can only wonder if that skill translates to poisoning people you consider friends… or even enemies. Though, Karen, if you ever need help - feel free to reach out to Hades Lucas-Astor. Seems as if he has a knack for killing people just like you do for animals - after all, what would you all call almost killing your cousin with your bare hands? Oh, Hades, darling, also, if you are looking for more drugs for your mother, Gabriella, we truly suggest you reach out to Ezekiel Griffin… or maybe even look into Julian Paul Medina… though we wouldn’t be surprised if your mother is already in contact with those two… maybe double-check that she’s not also fcking Fin.
Anyways, I hope the bride and groom enjoyed our gift to you all. We truly hope you have a long and prosperous marriage… unlike the last time with Sadie Monroe who we found leaving the wedding a little early after a little chat with Jordan Williams. Seems, Jordan really is in it for the long haul, Jezebel. What a lucky bride.