Review of the story: “Jenna The Superstar” by @StarMaryGoth.
Thank you for waiting, and for giving me the opportunity to review your story.
So, this way: when I read the plot, I wasn’t attracted by that. It is nice, but not good enough to attract and intrigue. In addition, you had punctuation errors.
Note: by the way, the story’s title is not written on the small cover. And I think you should add the title.
I am gonna write down all my notes about the story by writing them in accordance with each chapter.
You wrote “bought”, instead of “brought”, so it was supposed to be “From the author who brought you…”
When you write a story’s title, you should write each word’s first letter as a capital letter, so it should be written like this: “The Nightmare’s Trouble”, “Jenna The Superstar”.
It should be either “To the story” or “Into the story”. Besides, when you write “onto”, you should write the words “on” and “to” together.
- In the costumization part, you gave the option to choose the hair color of Jenna’s (MC) family, but you forgot to add the word “hair” between the words “natural” and “color”.
I think you should’ve written “I**'ve lived** with my uncle and aunt since my parents died of a car accident/crush”
- You forgot to add the word “she’s” before the “working on (her first book)”.
It should be “which it happened when I was 5” (without “it”).
If you ask me, I’d write “So, they (the uncle and aunt) decided to take care of me”, without mentioning Kylie.
- “He totally was…”. Here, you should switch places between the words “totally” and "was’, so it’d be “He was totally”.
“What should I wear for work?”, not “to work”.
You forgot to add “an” before the word “audition”.
- There was a part where you wrote something and it wasn’t written correctly. You should have written “I’m going to audition tomorrow”
In my opinion, it’d be better if you wrote “cafe”, instead of “a coffee shop”.
You forgot to write the first letter in a capital letter.
- You should write “I should go to talk to him”.
When you write “Ms.”, the letter “m” should be written in a capital letter, and not like this “ms.”, so it should be “Ms. Harisson”.
When you gave the choice of introducing myself or let another person introduce me, you wrote on the “introduce yourself” option “your self”. Both words “your” and “self” should be written together.
After choosing to introduce myself, you wrote on the readerMessage “Confidence and professionalism is key”. It should be “are”, not “is”.
When Lillian called someone to take out Scarlett, you didn’t write the first letter of the name “Scarlett” as a capital letter.
Well… if I were you, I’d write “we were waiting for you”, instead of “we were expecting you”.
It should be “Can’t say ‘no’ to tea…”.
I think it’d better if you wrote “you spilt a costumer’s cup of coffee on your boss and left?”
It should be “I got so tired of…”, not “I so got tired…”
“That it was”? If already, write “yeah, it was.”
You wrote “I was disguised”. It is “disgusted”.
It’s “you**'re** either deaf or blind”. Not “your…”.
It should be “Stop coming here and bothering us”. You forgot to add “ing” in the word "bother. Same with the second image - “she’s always coming here and bothering us”.
It’d be better if you will write “This story contains zooms, so tap slowly”.
Besides, you wrote “the are zooms”, instead of "there are zooms.:
You forgot to add the letter “s” in the word “sometimes”.
- “I should go”, not “I should get going”.
You forgot to add between the words “important” and “you” the word “that”.
You didn’t write correctly here as well. It should be “That was when your parents were still working here”.
I would correct here by writing “I bet one of the girls’ mother was a singer in Neon Lights”.
“I never thought I would see the day to meet her daughter”? Instead of the highlighted part, it’s better if you’ll write “… the day would come when I would meet her daughter”.
“She was anatural” (without “a”)
“… to give a chance to new girls…” - here is where you should correct something. It’s “to give new girls a chance to join…”.
You meant to say “questions”?
I’d write like this: “When will there be concerts and how often?” or something like this.
It should be “the people who host”, not “they people”.
In my opinion, you should place the word “also” between “are” and “going to”.
“You said it won’t be tiring you said”? Remove the last “you said”.
It is “We are still”, not “we still are”.
You forgot to add “is” on the sentence “Hot chocolate ready”. It should be “Hot chocolate is ready”.
Why doesn’t Jenna look at Lucia when they are talking to each other?
- In the end, when the sentence “To be continued” was shown and I clicked, the same sentence was shown again. Please check it out.
My advices to make your story great and unique:
First, try to make fewer spelling mistakes in the future. As you could see, you had many spelling mistakes. Don’t get me wrong. You don’t have to have such a perfect grammar, I don’t expect it. But, when it becomes too much, it kills all the desire to read the story (as I said). So, try to avoid it as much as you can, and always check out and make sure that you don’t have spelling mistakes. If you see even one word spelled incorrectly, then correct it, even if you think that it’s not important.
In addition, I highly recommend you use punctuation (believe me, it is very useful). And, when you write “I” as a pronuon, it should always come as a capital letter - I am saying this, because you wrote the pronoun I in a small letter, and it was repeated many times.
Just want to let you know that some people can get annoyed by poor grammars. But, regardless - don’t ignore the grammar side of things. One of the mistakes that many authors do is ignoring the grammar side, which only shows their laziness or look lazy. So, don’t be from these authors.
Diverse with your cast: Include a variety of different people. If you don’t do it, then it means that most of the characters are similiar in many terms. And I believe you’d like to make your story look and feel realistic. Even just a little. How can you do it? Give all of your characters these things:
Background - nationality, race, ethnicity, religion, even sexuality, gender, gender identity, age (including birthdate), diabilities and mental health problems
Personality- beliefs, opinions, motivations, even political views. And don’t make the characters look perfect. See them as if there are human beings. And we humans aren’t perfect.
I know you might not be that interested in adding diversity, but you have no idea how much it can help you make the story realistic, diversed and unique. And why it’s highly recommended? And why does it matter, at all? Because our world is full of diversity, since people can definitely be different in lots of ways, which makes our world wonderful and full of colors. In addition, diverse representation helps to bust all those bad stereotypes. But, you don’t need to represent all the diversity. Not at all. And no one will appreciate you representing their (insert religion/race/ethnicity/sexuality/disability, etc.) just to make your cast diversed. In addition, it can definitely look especially bad when you cram so many different minorities into one character that it can end up seeming so unrealistic.
And I am not gonna lie to you - it is a hard work, but it’s worth it. But, again - no need to represent many minorities through one character. Nor do you have to do it - it is your story. But, it is highly recommended.
Allow me to add one more thing - if you do want to represent some of the things I named above, and you don’t know about them enough, then don’t represent them without knowing things about them. However, it is not a justified reason to why not include them. You can collect information about what you want to represent through interenet (as long as the articles aren’t based on stereotypes) or even ask people.
And don’t forget - the characters are human beings. So, put a lot of effort on creating them. Do not neglect even one.
I hope all this helped you. And again, thank you for letting me review your story.